In August of 2009 He became teaching me to let go of my life and that it is good for me to place it in his hands. He helped me take off the chains of fear and anxiety; although, I sometimes try to put them back on. Steven and I learned a good lesson of blindly trusting in God with his job. I learned that HE is faithful in all things. He cares about the smallest details of our lives. This was a lesson during the time Henry, our golden retriever, was so sick. 1Peter 5:6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. In the beginning of 2010 the following is an excerpt of the prayer I prayed: "Help me as a therapist. Make my role what you want it to be. Where I can be effective. If that’s not even as a therapist, show me. I want to use my gifts and talents to teach others about who you are. You have done wondrous things for me!! So that I may know you and believe you. Thank you for loving me and teaching me and showing me the way. Continue to guide my steps. I love you." Then I began a lesson of decision making comparing the Old Testament and New. I wanted SO badly at times to hear verbally like Moses and so many did from God, where the path was so clear. God began teaching me that he gives us his Holy Spirit for counsel and wants us to use the wisdom that he gives. In September 2010, I began to pray and wait for unmistakable guidance. I prayed for a converging of circumstances and began to see God working and revealing his way.
The following message is a huge part of my current and forever outlook on decision-making.
“Much is nothing if God is not in it. If the projects are not vines planted by the Lord, they are worse than worthless. Two ways to build a house: move ahead with plans based on one’s own knowledge, skill, and resources then ask God’s blessing on the completed structure. The other is to wait until the LORD has given unmistakable guidance, then move ahead in conscious dependence on Him. In the first case the project never rises above flesh and blood. In the second, there is the thrill of seeing God working the marvelous provision of needed supplies, through the miraculous timing and sequence of events, and through the converging of circumstances that would never happen according to the laws of chance. It makes all the difference in the world to be building with God."
In this time, I spoke with a physician assistant that was adamant that I choose to go to medical school versus being a PA. He wanted to meet with me and my husband and discuss the decision. I began treating a person that was in medical school. I also treated a retired physician at this time. When I first discussed with Steven the possibility of applying to PA school, he said, "Have you thought about going to medical school?" I spoke with my family physician about going to PA school, he said, "I think you should go to medical school." Steven and I both spoke separately with a family friend that is a doctor who encouraged me to apply to medical school.
I made my mind up so many times to just apply to PA school, but each time I did, God would put something or someone in my path that encouraged me to apply to medical school.
Medical School seemed (and seems) so LONG and HARD. Way too much for me! Very stressful and tough on a marriage. God led me to the story of Moses and the burning bush. Where Moses tried to convince God that he was not equipped to do what God had told him to do. And he also led me to the story of Israel defeating Amalek (Exodus 17:8-16) When Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed, and whenever he lowered his hand Amalek prevailed. So his friends and family helped him hold up his hands. To me, I recognized through these circumstances that as long as I gave up my life to God and offered him ALONE the glory and praise it would be well and that was my purpose.
Along this path I had a few people tell me, "It's just a job" "It's too stressful for you" and "You're crazy." All of that is true. But I'm not going alone. Pass or fail God is still God and has taught me so much through all this. Verses from today: 1 Chron 32:8 But with us is the LORD our God, to help us and to fight our battles. 1 Chron 32:20-23 (About King Hezekiah and how he prayed to God in his distress and God "provided for him on every side.")
Thank you family and friends who have encouraged me and helped me walk through this time. I will continue to need you, especially for your reminders to lift up my hands.
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